Reply with quote #1
Ernest Koroma: Jinna Musa, O you oracle that brings the most distant of galaxies into sharp focus under the fierce glare of the scanning tunnel microscope; O you discerning eye that split the mysteries of the night with the blinding flash of lightning, and draws out the truth from the clutches of prevarication and huffy puffs! Tell me, O revered oracle, what you see of this bastardized pregnancy that I inflicted on my APC fiefdom when I forced them to grab their ankles and lift up their skirts in Makeni. Will Baby Samura transform from a cross-eyed nictitating toad into a charming prince and sweep the country off its feet, or will this infernal pregnancy be ripped out in a bloody late-term abortion at the polls? As S.E Rogie said, "I am so worried t heart!" Jinna Musa: Oh Ernest, you pudgy rascal, why drag me into inanities when you already know the answers? What is the breakdown of the vote according to your internal polling? Ernest Koroma: The Southeast, including Kono and the Kissy badlands of Kailahun, is voting solidly for Bio. The Mendes say paopa , it is their turn this time; that they didn't kill God's puss to be electorally maltreated, and so are voting for Bio, come rain or shine. It is not a tribal thing, they insist, but that they are just sick and tired of being marginalized. They know that they will be as broke and poor as the Limbas and Thaimnehs were impoverished under my regime in a Bio regime.They know that Bio will take all the diamonds and gold to Banjul to bejewel the Naija Temptress of The Gambia, but they defiantly retort, "Kaka, we nor wan yerri!" Jinna Musa: Is that all, my child? Ernest Koroma: It gets worse, O Oracle of oracles. The North is up in arms. Those ungrateful bastards are screwing me royally after all I have done for them! I gave them the presidency- the first Northerner to become president- but are they satisfied? Nooooo! They now want me to share my stash with them. Betteh! Those millions are all mine. I worked very hard for those dollar millions and I'll be darned if I sit on my ass and allow some goddamned villager from Masiaka or Mateboi to put his grubby little paws on my money. I know I have bragged that I have never killed a person in my tenure, but I will make an exception. The day anyone makes an attempt on my kaffa will be the day I shoot a nigga dead. The millions are not enough for me and I refuse to roam the streets and back alleys of Makeni like that broke ass son of a b-itch Strasser does in Allen Town. Nar tin go happin nor mor. E gbin ka Kuru! So the ungrateful Northwest dares to question my wisdom and is now playing footsie with that contemptible idiot Kandeh Yumkella. So disgusting. Jinna Musa: Kandeh Yumkella...an idiot? Ernest Koroma: Yes-in! Forgive me Oracle. I didn't mean to snap at you, but Kandeh Yumkella is not a real doctor. My CID detectives have found out that he bought his PhD from a degree mill for $150. What's the big deal with PhDs anyway? I have a doctorate too, but do you see me preening about it? Samura has a PhD that is slightly less prestigious than mine, but do you see him beating his chest about it? Bio is another one that I can't stand. He has been cheating up a storm at that local college in Bradford for years without earning his degree, but his praise singers are now calling him: Brigadier (Retired) Maada Bio, (Ph.D pending). What the phuck is that? Bo shub! And to think that these two guys are beating me silly in the polls- Bio in the South and East, and Yumkella in the North and West against all odds! Something is wrong here. I am scared, Jinna Musa. Something tells me that if any of those guys lands in State House, they will sadistically pluck my feathers like a Beijing duck. As S.E Rogie said, "I am so worried..." Jinna Musa: Please don't sing. I can't stand your woe-is-me rendition. Now man up and stick out your bortu like the unrepentant de facto polygamist that you are. Ernest Koroma: Er, Jinna Musa, you made a mistake here. I am not a polygamist. I am married to only one woman. I am a proud monogamist. Jinna Musa: Shut up Ernest. You have stroked more kitties than any Sierra Leonean in history. Monogamist my foot! Now I have a few questions for you. You're ready? Ernest Koroma: Yes Oracle. Jinna Musa: Who has the Muslim vote? Ernest Koroma: Yumkella. Jinna Musa: Who has the Southeastern vote? Ernest Koroma: Bio Jinna Musa: Who has the North Western vote? Ernest Koroma: We thought APC did, but Yumkella has muscled in on our racket and is wrestling us to the ground in our own stronghold of all places. Jinna Musa: Who has the Youthman vote? Ernest Koroma: Yumkella. Jinna Musa: Who has the Okada vote? Ernest Koroma: Stupid Yumkella, of course. I can't believe my Okada friends fell for it. He put an okada in his campaign poster and those sorry bastards all flocked like geese to NGC. Sickening! Jinna Musa: Who has the thugs? Ernest Koroma: Maada Bio. I can't believe SLPP has more thugs than us. We used to be the Crips of political thuggery. Maada out-hustled us on that one. I think we are phucked. I'm so worried at... Jinna Musa: Sing one more time Ernest, and i will stick my foot in your ass, you insufferable bastard. Ernest Koroma: Sorry Jinna Musa. It is just sad that SLPP today are the kings of thuggery. Did you see how Bio's paopa thugs slap around anyone who dares to whisper against Bio? They fear him more than the Ba'athists feared Saddam Hussein. Even the party chairman is called Bullet. Respect!! Jinna Musa: Now think carefully before you answer the following questions, for in your answers you will find the answer of that which you seek. Are you ready my son? Ernest Koroma: I am ready Oracle. Jinna Musa: Who hired the counters of the votes? Ernest Koroma: I did, but N'Fa, who I plucked from obscurity and made chairman of the electoral commission, is not picking my calls, even though I hired all of them from top to bottom in that outfit. Jinna Musa: Who hired those who will announce of the election results, whether the electoral chief is hostile or pliant? Ernest Koroma: It is me again Jinna Musa, but what is the point when my own internal polling shows a most painful shellacking? Samura is already making plans to escape to Conakry after the first round beat-down... Heeeeeey, wait a minute! Wait a goddamned minute!!! My minions count the ballots and announce the results...which means they will announce the results that I tell them to report. Plus I have placed pacifiers in the mouths of the military and police, after the last reshuffle in the security services... Y-E-S!!!!! We win! Samura, my child, is no longer a political mongrel. He will be president and Baby Chericoco will play with his toys goo-goo-ga-ga at Tower Hill! Jinna Musa, you are a genius. I will continue to run this joint until I die. You are the best of the best Jinna Musa!!! APC e ba ki rem u, e karr mu ka kuma, E karr mu kakuma, APC, e ba ki rem mu, e karr mu ka kuma! (APC, I have to pay you a debt, but i will wait till I get to the ballot box and repay you (refrain)...) Or Waiiiii! Orsaiiiii! Orgbehlehleh! OrCherereh!! FP!
Original Tokpoi Gangsta
Reply with quote #2
Lol. I am dying with laughter. Orman you are one funny guy. On a serious note, this is one brilliant piece. I am waiting for the next series on Maada Bio, KKY and MKM. I don't think Maada Bio will consult any oracle in Salone; he will instead travel to Serekunda in the Gambia. KKY will also travel to one of the fakais in Guinea renowned for producing the best Susu 'juju men' to do his consultation. Maybe MKM will 'kaplee' his Makeni brother EBK and consult the same oracle. Let us see what will happen orman.
Reply with quote #3
OTG, tenki sir. I will be coming with the Aki Special on Bio and Yumkella shortly. Kamaraimba en Sam Sumana and the rest of the Lilliputians don't count. Nar efulefu dem. Truth be said, you sef nar bra pan d pen. Nuff respect.
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Reply with quote #5
FP, you are great resource. I LOVE your writing and your sense of humor. Thank you.
Reply with quote #6
Ah Korthor Knice, thank you sir. I am humbled.
Reply with quote #7
Oh the weather outside is frightful But the fire is so delightful And since we've no place to go Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! It doesn't show signs of stopping NYCPS can't stop it Staff and students have no where to go I have no where to go And I've bought some corn for popping The other staff is armed with WhatsApp Messenger... With Android Apps and Google Play Oh what da phuck! Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! But goddamn! That was NOT the original plan! What has Oracle, Ernest and the rest of the clowns got to do with it now?